Doppelgänger

2011

2011-12-31T11:02:00.000-08:00

It irritates me to no end that I am writing an "end of the year" blog. Especially since it has been over 1 year since the previous post. Nevertheless, I am writing. I don't "do" year end. On a deeply personal level I dislike anything pertaining to dates. [Side note: I really dislike the names of places and locations within song lyrics.]

So. This is a ramble. I'm not going to buff the wrinkles out of this one. 2010 was a year of transition for myself and my family. I learned to throw out the fabricated mythology of security and destiny. 2011 was a year of practicality. I walked out my new ideology and in some ways, got to "see how it fits." Anyone who knows me, is aware that waiting is not something I enjoy. I don't like prepping to leave the house. I like to get ready to leave and then leave immediately. My boys struggle with this. I have tried to explain that this has something to do with the way that daddy's brain works. However, I know that anything can change. This past year I managed to not pass out or freak out during receiving shots for a trip to Costa Rica. I actually left the country and made it back. I am no longer afraid of escalators. I'm not really neurotic, but this is my blog and I'm writing about me.

Have you ever looked into a mirror and wondered who you were looking at? I look in the mirror just enough to ensure that things are where they should be and things that don't belong are removed. My time with the mirror is so limited (or maybe purpose specific?) that recently I discovered that I could not picture my face as I laid in bed. The best image I could come up with was a face from Jr High (with my current beard on top). It caused me to start thinking.

I don't think about myself. Not enough. So I'm looking in the mirror and I realize that I am someone with who I am barely acquainted.

I've felt all throughout 2011 that I was "getting my sea legs" for something. In September I started to awaken internally to some things that had been dormant for over a decade.

Caveat: I love learning and learning and learning. I love technology. These 2 passions are at enmity with what I am calling my undefined goals.

So, in 2012 I am taking a step back from technology and things that previously have internally defined me. 2012 is going to be a stretch for me as I reach outside of what I have accepted as myself. I am embracing my own challenge, beginning with writing about the end of a year. Not to mention setting a goal for a calendar year (another thing I despise).

I maintain my disdain for starting things on Mondays and "new year's resolutions." However, I think it fitting that I am already forced outside of my mindset. I may even use technology in unfamiliar ways. Not excluding regular blogging.

Here's to another bend in the road!

"Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome." -Arthur Ashe

Straw to Gold

2010-12-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

I'm wayyyyy too busy to write this. I have too many things to "do". But because I was created as a "being" and not a "doing," I am going to write this. I need to write this for myself, but you are welcome to read on if it suits you. This will not be well written or exhaustive, but I need to unload this to get my head straight.

God is good. He is good when we think he is absent. He is good when all we can see is bad. I offer that this is due to our perspective. First we must for this exercise to proceed we must agree that God is our creator; that we originate from him. As such, he is our father (as detailed in the Bible). From this basis of understanding, we proceed. As God is our father, we may look at human fathers as a fallible, inferior, yet similar example.

My two children view things through a different perspective than myself. I do many many things for them that they are not aware of. They cannot comprehend how finance works. To them, a home is something you have, not an option that you pay for. They do not understand insurance, taxes, where food originates from, etc. Yet they benefit from my diligence to these issues, despite their ignorance. They do not see the many things that I struggle with. They do not see the decisions and sacrifices that are made for the betterment of the entire household. They merely reap the rewards. So they are surrounded by good and do not recognize it.

Recently I shoveled the driveway and most of the sidewalk (God bless the neighbor with the snowblower). Our snowblower does not work in cold weather (a huge flaw to have for such a machine). Since I was heading out in the dark to shovel I trotted my offspring outside with me. I didn't expect any help. In fact it was going to slow my progress, prolong my exposure to the cold, and at some point interrupt me to dissolve conflict / administer medical care. Bottom line - I did NOT need help from my children. It would have been easier without them. But I wanted them with me because I love them, I want to be with them, and I want to share the experience with them regardless of the cost to myself. When we finally went in from the cold, both children detailed how much they helped and adamantly insisted how I could NOT have completed the task without their help.

Very few things my children do without my assistance, at the age they are now. The only things they do are things in which I am training them. I can do everything better than they can. Faster too. It is MORE work for me when they are involved. But because I love them and enjoy the experience with them, I let them help.

My oldest son (age 6), created a Christmas gift for me ON HIS OWN. I'm sure Mom helped somewhere along the line, but in his mind he "did it all by myself". He is soooo proud of what he did. The gift is special because he wanted to do something for me. I don't judge the gift against the standard of what I am capable of. I don't judge the gift against what I am not able to do or purchase for myself. I judge the gift by the intent. By how much he wanted to do something for me because he loves me in return.

I submit that our experience with God is similar. God does not need us. Our very involvement slows and complicates his progress. Yet he loves us and involves us because he wants to share that experience with us. He is working always. We usually do not recognize (because of our perspective) all of the wonderful things that he does for us and the vast amount of good that surrounds us daily. When he involves us, asks us to "help" him, we often think he could not do it without us. Or that our involvement is critical. It is only critical because he chooses to work with us. It is by his choice.

When we "do" things for him, it pleases him. Not because of what we "did", but because of who we are. We are his children and he loves it when we love him in return. What we "do", or our performance/execution of "tasks" is not judged at all. Who we "are" is what matters. Us being his kids is what matters to him.

We get consumed by the importance of what we "do" FOR God and forget that he instructs us to "do" what we "do," helps us in the process, and doesn't need our help in the first place. Because we loves us is why we are involved in the first place.

In 2009 I had a conversation with the Holy Spirit about what it was that he wanted me to do. He asked me what my passion was. Simply put, I want more than anything, for people to know how crazy in love with us God is. The unfathomable value that he places on us, proven by the price he paid. How he loves us and does not hate us or wish us evil. The Holy Spirit said "good". I responded with "Is that all?" Immediately I felt bad because my question was countered with, "What could be more important?" I realized that "being" who I am and "doing" what I've been asked to do, is the most important thing I could do. Is it what someone else has been asked to "be"/"do"? No. The thing that they are passionate about "being"/"doing" is the most important thing to God for them. The mistake is made when we compare ourselves to each other. No parent wants to see their children compare themselves and ask who is best.

So as I finish preparing for the Christmas Eve service at the Elida Fieldhouse and the rest of the services through the new year, I am remembering that while planning and details are important; what matters is the truth of God's love. The work is nothing. The planning is aided by him, will work regardless of the quality, and his plan will be accomplished despite me.

Because I love him in return, I do the best that I am capable of. He is not pleased because of the quality, but rather because of my love for him.

My efforts of straw become gold in his eyes.

I am No Good

2010-04-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

Good Friday.

Tonight I sat behind a curtain during the church service. I was waiting to come out to play at the end of the message and it just worked out easier to sit behind the curtain until needed.

During the message Pastor Dan spoke about the secrets and hidden darkness that we all have. It struck me that as I sat behind a physical curtain at church, that I have my "curtain" that I sit behind everywhere I go. I hide behind it at church, home, work, everywhere. I have my sins, my past, my wrongdoings, my weaknesses, my treachery to my fellow humans, my rebellion toward God. These are my secrets. The things that I hide when I am around people. These are things that I do not share. I am ashamed of them.

I thought about how I was born with this particular weakness. This "sin nature". I did nothing to deserve it. I did nothing to earn it. I did not choose to be born, but born I was. Infected with sin. Wired towards destruction.

I had nothing to do with the crucifixion. I was not there to demand the death of Jesus. I would like to think, as Peter did, that I would have followed Christ even unto death. He did nothing wrong. He was perfect.

Tonight my boys sat and listened as we recounted the story, with acting and video, of how humans put Christ to death, preferring sin over the son of God.

"Why did they kill Jesus?!"

Yes. Why? How could someone so innocent and perfect be put to death? The only son of God. Sent to save humanity. And humans put him to death. Why did they do it?

I've always felt like an onlooker, but tonight I felt something different. I KNOW if I had been there, I would have called for the release of Barrabas. I would have chosen my sin over the life of Christ.

There is nothing good in me.

I know this because I willingly choose wrong over right. I know what price Christ paid for me. I know that I am released from sin. I know that I am redeemed and YET I SIN. I choose death over life. I prefer my sin over the life of Christ. I PUT HIM ON THE CROSS. Not ignorantly as those at Golgotha. Jesus asked the Father to forgive the ones present that day "for they know not what they do." Yet I KNOW. I know what calvary was about. I know that Christ died that I might live. That I, being dead in my sins, have new life because of the death and resurrection of Christ. Yet I walk the path of the fallen and reprobate.

I've got a debt that I carry around
Carry around like a weight
It don't relieve me to know
That it's already paid.
~lyric by Michael Roe

I'm broken this Good Friday. The more I become insatiably desperate for God, the more fallen I realize I am. As one draws closer to the light, the more the imperfections become noticeable.

Tonight I became so very aware that my "imperfections" and my "issues", put Jesus on the cross. That I was there 2,000 years ago, demanding his death. WANTING his death because I love my fallen ways.

Tell me your deep dark secret
and I will tell you mine.
Is that your deep dark secret?
Oh well. never mind...
~lyric by Bill Mallonee

Our secrets, our issues cannot be compared to another's. They are ALL vile. They are ALL filthy. As humans we rate and value the darkness of sins and deeds. But to God who is holy, they are all deserving of death.

I can honestly say that I would never put my children at harm to help someone. I am convinced that I would be unable to do such a thing. So it is unthinkable to me that God GAVE his son away to be killed by the very people he was saving. Jesus GAVE up his spirit. He endured humiliation. He was brutalized. There is nothing we could experience that he has been unaffected by.

He came to earth to die to save our lives. Even when we were no good. Now we are still no good, but by the gift of his life. There is nothing intrinsically good about me. I am only good because Jesus made me good by his death and resurrection. I have been covered in his righteousness.

I hope that if I am ever faced with following Christ unto death, I will go confidently. But I must first learn to follow him in life.

Easter is about new life. Not a change in behavior. Not good intentions. Not about making God happy. Not about resolving to stop sinning. It is about being restored into relationship with God. Reversibility.

If you would like to celebrate the new life available through Jesus, come join the messed up people at Lima Community Church. We're broken, screwed up and we ALL have secrets, but Jesus saved and loves us. He loves you too. So much that he let you put him on that cross.

Church is at 6:00pm on Saturday. 9:00am & 10:45am on Sunday. I'm wearing jeans and I'm on the stage, so wear whatever you like. I'll be at all services, so if you decide to come, just come up and see me on the stage after church is over. Each service lasts around an hour.

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I want to be in your presence Lord
I want to see your your face
I push aside all these things
To worship you

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're all I want
You make me new

I lay down
At your feet
I lay down
All these things
I lay down
At your feet
I lay down
All these things

You're all I want
You're all I need
You're all I want
You make me new
~lyric Ben Wright

Blessings from my son

2010-03-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

There are two things in life that you need.

#1 - Know how to read the Bible.
#2 - Know how to hear God's voice.

Religion will fill in #3 - #3,000,000,000,000. That is the only way to keep you dependent on man for the blessings of God.

I am doing my best to teach my children #1 & #2. If they get good at 1 & 2 they will not be hindered by 3 - 3,000,000,000,000.

I have been encouraging Cale (my 5 year old) to converse with God daily. The idea is that if you get used to including God in the mundane existence of your life you will begin to experience him in the mundane areas of your life. Once you experience God living WITH YOU in your mundane existence, it ceases to be mundane and becomes unique, exciting and alive every day.

To do this I have challenged him for 1.5 years to talk to God every night about his day. What he is excited about, what he is feeling, what happened throughout the day. I told him that God will begin to speak back to him. So, once a week or so I ask him if God has said anything to him. It is important to act on things that God says to you, so i want to help him hear and apply whatever God says.

Please note that the way that God speaks to us is heavily through the word of God, the Bible. That is why you must be fluent, studious and committed to reading your Bible. That is the only way to judge any voice (human or other) that speaks into your life. And YES we are COMMANDED to judge any message from other people who speak into our lives. Nothing excludes us from this command. Not relationship, position, track record etc.

The second primary way that God speaks to us is through each other. Sometimes we can hear God in the smallest and most casual of comments from another person. Often that person is not aware of how God is using them.

The third way that God speaks is directly to our being. It is our "inside" voice/ear.

I am teaching Cale about this and he recently was frustrated when he asked God a question and did not receive an immediate reply. He was upset and wanted to know why he never "hears" God the way he hears me. He understand that he will hear God on the inside, because God is spirit only. He understands that because I HAVE a physical un-renewed body, I can only speak to him from the outside. He has a good grasp on that. What irritated him was how i respond quickly and it seemed that God did not.

I told Cale that I did not know why God was not answering him 'fast enough' and would pray about the answer. Cale then expressed frustration that God speaks to me 'quicker' than to him.

I posed the question to my incredible small group. Their feedback was excellent and helped me to understand what God was doing/saying. I later explained to Cale that God always speaks, but he speaks in different ways. It takes time to learn to hear God quickly, but he always responds. The specific issue Cale was asking God, I had the answer to. So God had an answer, but it was to come through me to Cale. That makes sense as it is my job to help him develop his ability to discern God's voice.

This leads me to the point of this blog.

Tonight Cale informed me that he needed to go #2 and headed off to the bathroom. When he came out a few minutes later, he was excited. He informed me that he didn't poop, but something REALLY GOOD happened. I inquired and this was what he told me.

Cale said that after he got in the bathroom, he was lead to pray for 2 things. (This is very important because getting Cale to pray publicly has been a great challenge). First Cale told me that he prayed for all the people to be saved. Even in the whole world. Cale said that it is very important that we pray that God help them. (I wish that you could have viewed his earnest face as he spoke). The second thing that Cale prayed was for the people in Haiti. Here is what he said to the best of my remembrance: "I told God I knew how sad he was about what happened to the people in Haiti and he was hurt with the people in Haiti. I prayed that he would be with them and help them and get doctors for them (I think it was 10,060 people). The need his love and they need him and I just prayed and prayed for them."

That blessed me beyond words. I am excited, yet humbled and truthfully nervous. I want Cale to meet the real God of the universe. Not the one that has stories written about him and all of the religious trappings that go with it. It challenges me to know God transparently, without adding our man made reasoning to him. That is extremely hard to do. God is scary outside of the box we attempt to put him in. The more I "unleash him", the more I am in love, in awe and, yes, in fear. Not fear OF him, but fear or apprehension of the limitlessness of him.

Side note - I asked Cale how he knew God was real. (Obviously 'because Dad said so' is NOT the right answer). Cale responded, "Some people don't think God is real, because they can't see him. but I know that we can't see him because he is in heaven. But I CAN see all the stuff he made!" Being the torturous father that I am I asked him to tell me what God made. "Trees, sky, air, cars.." I said, "Cars? How did God make Cars?" Cale said, "People make cars, but God gives them the ideas on how to make them." Spot on Cale. Spot on.

That's me in the corner.....

2009-12-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

... losing my religion.

I've always liked that song. Mostly because the song should never have been a hit, yet was.

I'm losing my religion. Hopefully more and more every day. It's not that it's too hard to believe in, it's not. In fact it is really REALLY easy to believe in. That is why I'm losing, rather DITCHING, my religion. Anything that is so much like my own corrupt human nature seems a bit suspect as I grow older. Religion, while providing me with 1,000s of things I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do, also placates me and drugs me in apathy from pursuing a real relationship with the very personable God Almighty. {I decided to put Almighty after God because I think he will find it funny, being that I RARELY refer to him like that.}

Religion allows me to perform a duty for God rather than live my life for him.

Religion allows me to "look away" from my shortcomings because I give or help others.

Religion allows me to compare myself to others, rather than compare myself to God.

Religion allows me to power grab at whatever I want as long as I feed it.

And that leads me to why I attend church.... Church is a club for people who like the same stuff and have similar desires. Some might even say that they have goals. I go because I like to hang out with the people there. They challenge me to know God more. Some of the people who attend look like they were given a choice of watching paint dry or coming to church and they were tired of the same color of paint. Those people don't bother me. They keep me on my toes, because I never want to be like that.

I don't want religion. I need more than that. I don't want someone to "coach" me to "victory". I don't have dreams, expectations, ambition or aspirations. I just really really really want to get to know God more and more.

I'm playing in a church band again, along with the jazz band. I get a few offers to join other bands here and there, but while it's flattering, my heart is really to worship. I'm not a person who is passionate about playing an instrument. However, what I AM passionate about is worshiping God. I can't help but to do it. I really cannot stop or refrain. I find myself in public places singing to God. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when your heart is so awed at what he has done and the existence that he has provided, it becomes an automatic involuntary reaction. I'm not the creepy guy drawing attention to himself. I'm like the people who jog, walk, hang at the mall and sing quietly to their iPod or hum the song still in their head from the radio. In other words I am a "happy people".

I listen to songs that don't "sing about Jesus". In fact I prefer those songs and rarely listen to "praise and worship". I never listen to "christian" radio. The music is usually bad and the lyrics are unimaginative. I don't hate on people who like it, I just don't gravitate toward it. So the logical question is... "When you're singing your little 'god-songs' WHAT are you singing?" I sing about whatever is going on in life, in the now, in the present moment. I sing about how good God is and thank him for being mind blowing. I'm not deep. I certainly am not going to get offered a vocal contract! But I can't help but to rejoice in who he is at every moment.

That constant awe is what drives me to play my instruments for him. It's not a passion for the instrument. The instrument is an avenue for me to express/paint how inarticulately awesome he is.

So here are some songs the church band did recently.

Kerosene Grace

2009-12-01T19:01:00.001-08:00

"I'm growing fond of broken people, as I see that I am one of them." - Pins and Needles - Mute Math, Armistice.

As a child, my house was very drafty in the winter time. We would put up plastic over the windows and hang blankets over doorways to stop the advance of the cold. Christmas break was when the cold was most noticeable. Our entire family would be home for Christmas break, something that now seems almost fantastical. We didn't travel so there were no breaks from the fingers of winter reaching into our house. The house was heated with fuel oil and that wasn't enough to thwart breath of Jack Frost.

But there was a place of relief from the cold. A kerosene heater radiated warmth in our kitchen. I can remember sitting near the heater knowing if I sat just right, I wouldn't get too hot or too cold. The funny thing is how cool the side of my body that was not facing the heat source would feel. The proximity to the heater made the rest of the room feel much cooler than had the heater never existed. I was thankful for that heater, but I learned that too much time near it affected how the rest of the house felt to me.

Grace is my kerosene heater. It's not just for hard times. The closer we draw to grace the more everything else seems inferior. Living broken, humble and human allows the lover of all humanity to share his greatest unimaginable gift - grace.

Grace is something that cannot be grasped or comprehended. It is elusive. It only shows up where it is uninvited. It roams in dark places. It can be given, but never taken. It cannot be earned, bought or deserved.

Grace is lovely, pure and stunning. It thrives in the places of darkness, shame, fear and doubt. It is the flicker of a stubborn flame that refuses to be quenched by a winter wind.

Romans 5:20,21 - "The Law came in so that the transgression would increase; but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, even so grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." [NASB]

Here are three songs that scream grace to me. Certainly not the only songs (maybe not even the best, but they came to mind).

The first, Blame by Michael Knott is from the album Grace Shaker. While listening to this song I was overwhelmed by grace while driving north on I-75 to Toledo, Ohio in 2007. Lyrics

This second song is by Michael Roe. The song is titled "I Buried My Heart at Bended Knee". Verse 2 breaks me every time I hear it. "I've got a debt that I carry around
carry around like a weight. It don't relieve me to know that it's already paid" Full Lyrics

This last song is newer to me, but speaks greatly with the voice of grace. Broken Things, by Julie Miller as performed on Austin City Limits. Lyrics

Coffee Cups

2009-10-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

At the end of 2007 I began reevaluating my life. This was an experience that lasted through 2008. I felt that goals and plans had invaded the drivers seat of my life journey. Projects, competition, ambition and wanton drive for expansion had crowded out the room in my life that should have been for relationships, love, family and just life. I was busy "doing" and that left no time for "living". Every single day of every single week was a fight to survive to the next day. My life was like dusting with a terry cloth.

As a child, I thought that the task of dusting was the most pointless endeavor. The dust swirled up into the air, only to relocate a few minutes later. (I later learned that a terry cloth was not the proper tool for effective dusting.)

My life felt like I was dusting with a terry cloth. I completed one task as 10 others filled its place. Nothing was good enough and I began to realize that what I was doing didn't mean anything.

Here is a short story that I hope makes you think about your life as I thought about mine. I would like to thank David Haney for forwarding the story to me.

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A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor.

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the prof. went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the prof. said "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. All of you really only wanted the coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups."

"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

So friend, don't let the cups drive you...enjoy the coffee instead.

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Is the focus of your life consumed with the "containers" of Life? Have you let go of living for obtaining? Have you succumbed to the lie that Life only means something if you "accomplish something", "leave a mark", or "establish a legacy"?

Take a few moments to think about what REALLY matters in your Life.

Music Memories

2009-10-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

Tourniquet

The year was 1991 and I discovered Tourniquet. They were unique and unlike any band I had heard prior to that moment. I was so blown away that I purchased their debut album Stop the Bleeding (1990) on CD. It was the only CD the music store had by them. It was my first CD for my brand new CD player. The CD player was a Symphonic. The CD tray was a side loading one that matched the side loading cassette well next to it. The whole thing was technically a boombox so it had a really big handle on it.

The CD was $12.98 which I thought was a good deal since I was also buying the cassette Tourniquet - Psycho

Surgery for $11.98. The store didn't have any Psycho Surgery CDs.

The Stop the Bleeding album soon educated me on the existence of classical riffs within metal music. The dual vocals of Gary Lenaire and Guy Ritter melded with the dual guitar solos. The drumming chops of Ted

Kirkpatrick showcased how drums could stand out without soloing. The lyrics were intellectual and poignant. "Ark of Suffering" addressed animal rights. The accompanying video for the song received airplay on MTV before getting banned for being "too graphic." I pulled out my dictionary to discover what songs like "Somnambulism" were about. That song actually pops into my head on occasion. "Tears of Korah" brought an interesting biblical instance to my awareness. The passionate and unique musical styling had me hooked.

The 1991 album Psycho Surgery was on cassette so I carried my walkman everywhere playing it. In fact I went to sleep with my headphones on with Psycho Surgery playing for nearly a year. Psycho Surgery caused me to get out my dictionary and do some research. The songs weren't just songs to make good music. This band had something to say and they were doing it with incredible music and well crafted lyricism. I regret that I never had the opportunity to hear the band in concert. I have never been to Cornerstone Festival either for that matter. Hopefully it is still around when my boys are old enough for me to go with them as the excuse. I will never forget the first time I heard the song Broken Chromosomes. It affected me on so many levels.

I have continued to follow Ted and the new members of the band. I have Ted's Circadian Rhythms Drumming Video along with a Tourniquet Mini Drum Stick key chain, most of the albums and the TILL SVERIGE MED KÄRLEK DVD. My kids enjoy jumping around to the video while I babble about the band history. My oldest son wants to know why I have to play it so loud though. I explain that metal MUST be played loud. My youngest son understands.

Last Saturday I ordered a remastered version of Psycho Surgery. I am very excited to receive my CD and I am rewiring the stereo to get the max out of it upon delivery of my disc.

Broken Chromosomes is strictly audio. Ark of Suffering is the actual music video.